**Forgive the large number of metaphors used herein. They just kinda fit this particular scenario in all their varied ways. ***
I’ve been thinking a lot lately about a past time in my life…one that was not so happy. And I’ve been kinda perplexed about why I’m dwelling there.
I finally realized why today. It’s because I’m on the verge of making some similar mistakes now as I did then. Much of my life now is different than it was those 12 years ago, but apparently, this little pattern of subconscious behavior is the same…because it’s about to repeat itself.
Weird, isn’t it? It’s like eating something that you haven’t had in years, and being taken back to that time when you ate that thing last…whether appetizing or not. Or smelling a scent that transports you to another time…pleasant or not. Only, this isn’t with my senses; it’s with my mind and my emotions. Those are a little harder to ignore… both before and after a decision has been made. While I can think of quite a few seemingly legitimate reasons to make the one choice, the older, wiser, hardened part of me can think of fewer but healthier reasons not to.
I have striven over these years to make some pretty significant changes in myself. I’ve gone at self-analysis like a body-builder goes at training…diligently and purposefully. So, it’s aggravating that this weak muscle lingers. But it’s impossible to get the whole body trained at once. Each muscle set must be developed with it’s own exercises, over its own span of time. Likewise, each area of self-strengthening must be tackled within its own realm, as the occasion arises to work on it. You can’t work being more outgoing when you’re in the middle of a church service. You can’t practice confidence when you’re watching the weather report. Developing a new personal skill happens when you decide to act differently in an old situation,as though you’re adding on the weight to increase the strength of the developing muscle. Speaking to someone kindly after church is over, or confidently telling someone at work during the day what you saw on the weather channel this morning. Same ol’ situation…new behavior within it.
So, here I am in an old situation. I guess the important thing right now is that I’ve realized my mistake before I’ve made it again. So that I’m not agonizing 12 years hence about why I didn’t see it coming this time. I am seeing it now. And now, I must choose differently.