Anxiety attacks are no fun. I had them during my adolescence and single years. They came on again during my post-partum recovery. And this weekend.
If you’ve never had the joy of this experience, try to imagine this. You feel like you are not in control of anything anymore. You are in your own skin, which may be tingling or itching, but you are just moving through your day in a fog. Any task is too much. Any demand just brings you to your knees in helplessness. Tears, trembling, vomiting…they’re all close to your delicate surface. You can stand in the middle of your familiar kitchen, and not truly recognize how to do anything. One dirty dish or one full clothes basket is an immense challenge…a moutainous task that will take all day to accomplish. And it feels like the rest of your life is doomed. No one is your friend anymore, everyone has abandoned you. You are all alone and helpless.
This was my feeling this weekend as my husband was leaving for the week…and then we got snowed in…and then we discovered that we had lice. I thought I was going to lose it.
Having gone through the emotional torture of these attacks before, I knew what was going on, but I still had to ride the waves. Stuck indoors, with nasty, insidious, darn-near-invisible bugs invading my family. I find it difficult to even articulate the panic I experienced. Overwhelmed. Helpless. Shrinking inside. I couldn’t eat, couldn’t sit still, couldn’t think straight. I texted some friends to ask for prayer, but I couldn’t even speak prayers myself.
And then, a God-sent friend came to the rescue. She had the contact information (from her own personal experience) of a lice removal specialist, a nurse, trained and certified in lice removal. 100% clearance rate…with a take-home comb and plan of action.
Providentially, our family got an appointment quickly and spent 5 hours in the precious care of a Godly woman who educated us (and ridded us) of the nasty little beasts.
And we talked about God. Sweet balm to my soul…we talked about God. His love for his people. His 10 plagues on Egypt (which included lice!!!) to get his people back from Pharaoh. His might to open the sea AND TOTALLY DRY UP THE LAND for his (million)people to escape.
Being in the presence of this woman was so healing to my oppressed spirit. Her dedication to her mission healed our bodies, but her spirit revived my soul.
I woke up during the night last night with the panicky feelings returning, but I recalled the God we had talked about…the God of Big Love. The God who stood with little David when he faced the giant Goliath. The God who sat with Daniel in the dens with the hungry lions. The God who stood with Shadrach, Meschach and Abednego INSIDE the flaming furnace. The God who rained down fire on Elijah’s soaking wet sacrifice in the presence of Baal’s prophets. The God who sent an ARMY OF ANGELS to protect his prophet Elisha and his servant. The God who rode with the unwed Mary to find shelter in overcrowded Bethlehem. The God who brought his own son BACK FROM THE DEAD. The God who defeats big challenges with little people.
I recited Psalms to myself in the night, as my momma had taught me to do. “God is my refuge and strength, an EVER-PRESENT help in time of trouble. He is my rock, stronger and taller than I. He is my fortress. He goes before me. He sets up a table of rejoicing in front of my enemies…” This God cares for the little guy (gal). This God knows the ways of the birds and cares for them. He knows the life patterns of the flowers and he cares for them. How much more does he care for me…and want me to rise up out of this funk?
I’m not discounting medication for anxiety…oh no. I’m not surviving this time in life without chemical intervention. Anxiety runs in my genes, and I do take meds to help. I also take a magnesium supplement to keep myself balanced. But while those things take care of my chemistry, I need the knowledge of God’s strength to take care of my mind.
I’m just a little person, but I know that God has used me in big ways, and he will continue to use me in big ways. The giant of anxiety is my occasional foe, and I’m so glad there are stories of heroes who have overcome immense obstacles that can remind me of truth in the midst of emotion.